In Darkness

In a dark room, illuminated by the  laptop screen, I sit and listen to CNN radio and try to type around Carrot (her favorite spot is right in front of the laptop).

In a dark room last night, I tried to get comfortable as I curled my body around Ginger and held her while we slept.

In a dark room, lit only by a nightlight next to the sink, Ginger slept in her makeshift bed for her last few hours here in the house.

In darkness, I carried her to the car and we drove to the vet. And we sat for an hour in darkness, waiting for the office to open.

In a brightly-lit exam room, we spent the next hour, just she and I. I touched her and pet her and spoke to her constantly. I used a lot of tissues to blow my nose.

In a brightly-lit room, I watched the vet insert a needle somewhere near her back leg, and I watched my Ginger’s last breath. I watched her eyes go dark, as her pupils expanded. I touched her and pet her and spoke to her constantly, even when I knew she was gone.

Under an overcast sky, I drove myself home, and crawled into bed. In dim light, as it began to snow, I slept.

In a dark room, I type this in order to record it. And I cry.

Gingersnap 9/15/2002-1/19/2012

Briefly

Since I’m too tired and/or lazy to get up and go to the computer. I’ve spent the last 2 days worrying fiercely about my Gingersnap. She’s been not eating and vomiting, and very lethargic since Friday.

Yesterday I was able to get her in to see a vet. Acknowledging that I don’t want to put her through a lot of procedures, even if I could afford it, he suggested some more simple things to try.

Subcutaneous lactated Ringer’s to deal with the dehydration. Using a feeding syringe to forcefeed watered down prescription canned food. Oral medication to stop the vomiting. Bloodwork to see what’s going on.

Came home last night, got Ginger settled in the bathroom, got some food into her. This morning I was afraid to open the bathroom door, but she was still there, lying in the cat carrier. I started to feed her, wrapped in a towel on my lap, then she started to gag. At first I thought she was just protesting the syringe, but then she started vomiting again. This time with blood in it.

Call to the vet, brief explanation of what’s going on, “and I’m on my way.” The vet met me at the door, and after I went through what had happened, he explained the lab results to me.

Her ALT and BUN are both very high, but creatinine is within normal limits. She appears to have some sort of chronic infection going on. High glucose but that didn’t concern him. Her electrolytes were way out of whack. So right now we’re not sure if the lab values are because of dehydration and not eating for 3 days (apparently, cats should not go more than 48 hours without food of some kind) or because of some underlying disease process that’s causing the vomiting. Still a possibility of a hairball blockage as well, so I also get to force goop into her.

Tonight, she spent an hour or so lying in my lap on the couch. She protested every time I moved her. As I carried her back into the bathroom to feed her again, she started vomiting again. Again with blood in it. Back into her makeshift bed, got most of a dose of Reglan into her. A couple hours waiting for it to stay down, then managed to get about 20ml of watered down baby food chicken into her, and some more hairball goop.

Carrot seems very discombobulated by the entire thing.

All the birthdays!

One of the things I’ve always felt guilty about is the way Facebook displays the names of your friends who have birthdays today, and the fact that I generally do nothing about it. I like getting messages on my own wall, but I’m just not the kind of person who remembers or thinks to post on others’ walls. One of my Year 37 goals is to post a message on everyone’s wall on their birthday.

There are a ton of birthdays in January, and I’ve only been doing this for the past 5 days! Good grief! And this isn’t even counting the people whose birthdays I know but aren’t listed on their Facebook pages. But I’m trying to be a better person, even if only by bits and pieces.

Fifteen years

Today is my son’s fifteenth birthday. This astounds me. Where did the years go? I can vividly recall the old blue armchair that I used to nap in while holding him. For the first six weeks, he refused to sleep unless he was being held, and he hated the bassinette. So he and I slept in the living room of our tiny apartment, in that old blue armchair, falling asleep to Nick at Nite and waking up to Blues Clues. Nothing will make you feel hallucinatory in quite the same way as coming to consciousness with Blues Clues on in the background.

My son is now a high school freshman, a talented violinist, an avid reader with a vivid imagination. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I’m always unbearably proud of him.

I went out tonight. This statement probably isn’t any big deal to most of you, and shouldn’t be such a big deal to me. But my usual winter hermiting has been more severe this year, and started in autumn.

I went out tonight. I exchanged greetings with a few people I knew, but left after a couple of hours. I returned home to cocoon myself with frozen pizza and vodka. I don’t like feeling alone in the middle of a bar full of people.

When I dusted off this space yesterday, I had a vague plan of posting something every day. I’ve done it before, a month here and there, and found it useful for sharpening my writing voice. So we’ll see where this takes me.

One of my goals for this year is to get better at documenting my knitting projects. Which is to say, documenting them at all. I currently have 4 projects actively on the needles, all for KALs on Ravelry.

1) Blathnat, a mystery sock pattern that I’m knitting as a mystery (as clues are released, not waiting til the end). Yarn: Crock O’ Dye, shades of red. So far I have both clue 1s done, and one clue 2. The next clue will be released on Sunday, so I’m still pretty ahead of schedule. Deadline Feb 29.

2) Midsummer’s Night Dream (SKA, Flora or Fauna theme) – pretty leaves on a twisting vine up the center panel of a toe-up sock. Yarn: Knit Picks Stroll kettle-dyed Eggplant. Just at the heel turn of the first sock. Deadline Feb 29.

3) A mystery shawl designed by Susanna IC. Yarn: Jojoland Melody. I think I bought this yarn in Boston in 2010. First clue finished today. Not sure when the deadline for this one is.

4) Union Jack Argyle (SKA, leftovers theme). Yarn: various shades of Knit Picks Stroll Tonal (Blue Violet for main color, then stripes of Deep Waters, Royalty, Queen Anne, and Golden Glow). Currently working on the leg of the second sock, although the first sock isn’t finished yet. I wanted to get the second one to the same point as the first so I can make sure I don’t run out of any one color too soon.

January’s theme of Flora and Fauna is really inspiring. So many sock patterns use floral patterns of some sort, and several yarns I have fit the theme as well. I just acquired a skein of Miss Babs Northumbria in shades of purples and golden greens – named Iris. How could I not get it? It hasn’t yet told me what it wants to become, though.

In which we begin again

I started this blog back in July 2007 with the best of intentions. The last time I posted was nearly 3 years ago, in February 2009. Since then, I have thought of resurrecting it as a place for my random thoughts, but never found enough motivation to actually do so. The specter of my previous posts haunting me was also a deterrent (update: I have now exported and deleted the previous posts, with the exception of the first entry).

Today is my 37th birthday. Instead of marking the New Year as a turning point, I tend to use  my birthday as such a mark. Coming not-quite-two-weeks after the changing of the calendar, I usually have enough mental distance to come up with resolutions and goals for the year, without the pressure of the 1/01 date. One of my goals for my 37th year is to write more, and be more open about myself.

This most recent trip around the sun has been a difficult one for me, personally and professionally. I have high hopes for this next year.

I am a mother, a daughter, a friend and confidante, a knitter, a writer, a student. This year I want to become better at these identities.

At the Hazel Moon

The ancient Celts named each full moon, thirteen in all, after a tree. Each moon had a purpose.

At the Hazel Moon, Witches concentrate on the lore and wisdom of their elders, on nurturing and expanding their own inner wisdom, and on studying the wisest ways to deal with the situations of their own lives.

This resonates with me. I don’t believe it should be limited to one out of thirteen “months” of the year.

According to this lunar calendar,  we are in the waxing (growing) phase of the moon, “a good time for beginning new things.”  As found on another site,

you will know this moon as the one in which you may begin to turn your thoughts to personal ‘seeds’ of development in your own life. This is the time to assess the growth and development of these ‘seedlings’ to see if they are ready for a more personal harvest.

I’m not sure yet what my seedlings are or will grow to be, but I know they are within me.

I did not pick the name HazelMoon as a mystical Celtic reference, but for far more mundane earthbound reasons.  But from the moment I put it together and started using it, it felt right.  After doing this research (nothing more than googling “hazel moon”, frankly), it feels more right.

My personal seedlings won’t be nearly ready for harvest by the time the Hazel Moon comes around in a few weeks.  But it might be interesting to see how they grow.